Comets and calories

In which our intrepid sky reporter does his part to reduce Earth’s growing mass

by Bob Berman
August 18, 2011 11:00 AM | 0 0 comments | 1067 1067 recommendations | email to a friend | print
During Friday’s call-in show on the WAMC Northeast Network, three separate people expressed alarm. They’d each heard that incoming comet Elenin is either going to crash into us in 2012, or else it’s really a neutron star that will destroy us outright. Or else there’s a scary entity hidden right behind it – a replay of 1996’s Heaven’s Gate. One of the callers sounded downright freaked, and urged listeners to check out some paranoid website as proof of the imminent peril, which of course is being covered up by the government.

Hold it; don’t turn the page. I’m not going to go on and on about this latest Armageddon. Just let me say that no, this comet is not coming nearer to us than the Moon (as was claimed). Actually it won’t get any closer than 22 million miles. It’s also an unusually tiny comet – just a few miles across. It won’t ever get bright enough to be seen by the naked eye. Nor, incidentally, will another incoming comet, named Garrard.

Apparently, some people want the world to end. They savor the idea of imminent peril, and their own high cholesterol poses an insufficient threat. Hey! Scungilli! Get used to this world or else help change it. It’s not going away.

Speaking of cholesterol, I just discovered (being slow-witted in a lot of ways) that if you lose 20 pounds, your blood pressure and blood glucose plunge to wonderful new healthy levels. I was realizing that our galaxy and our planet keep getting more massive, like I was. Earth grows a million tons heavier each year, thanks to dust from constant incoming disintegrating meteoroids (although some say that it’s just 50,000 tons), while the Milky Way keeps cannibalizing helpless tiny galaxies and making them part of our Borg collective. It’s a one-way street, and their resistance is futile.

Futile, too, seemed any hope of losing all that ugly weight that was making people look away. Then I dropped 22 pounds in five weeks. Still counting. Combination diet: first, my doctor’s simple high-protein, zero-carb, low-fat thing. You eat as much lean protein like nonfat dairy as you want, anytime you want; as many veggies, too, and up to three fruits a day. No carbs or sugars; very strict. It’s good for three pounds a week. You’ve probably heard of it: lots of water, blah blah blah. I can tell you that it works.

Then, for variety, I let chiropractor David Rosenblum, who is a health coach, weave his magic with a different diet that similarly uses ketosis to burn away fat. Call him at (914) 389-1000. He deserves the plug because he’s great and enthusiastic and his product takes off a steady five pounds per week.

Quick and relatively painless. I’m not fat anymore. Pinch my handles when you pass me on the street. No, actually don’t. Anyway, I’m flag-waving because I can see instant health benefits. (Of course, that’s when you usually drop dead, right after you say something like that.)

The relevance to astronomy? Um, beats me.

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